I often get mail from wives who now live alone but never saw this coming. Usually one day they come home from work or running errands to find that their husband has left them. Or, the husband will abruptly pack her bags and announce that the marriage is no longer working for him and he thinks she might “want out.” However this happens, often the wife will tell me that she had no real warning and that this was largely an abrupt and unwelcome surprise.

I often hear things like “I can’t believe he left me. I never really saw this coming. I knew we had problems, but all married couples have problems. I just can’t believe he would leave me without even trying to work things out. And, I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want a divorce. I want him to come home, but I’m so mad that he didn’t try to approach me first that I don’t even know how to approach him. What should I do?

The answer to this question will depend on the circumstances and the people involved. However, it will often help to deal directly with the real situation in front of you, rather than trying to deal with the situation you imagine or expect to exist. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.

Don’t just focus on the fact that you had no warning when you left. Focus on what to do now and where to go from here: It’s completely normal to be floored by the fact that one morning you woke up with a husband living at home, but at night you were alone without warning. This is an abrupt blow that can be devastating. But, because it can be important to act quickly, you will often have to make a conscious decision not to focus on how this happened.

Yes, your husband certainly could have handled this in a different and preferable way, but neither of you can change that now. There is a real risk in letting your reaction to how he handled this interfere with how you act towards him in the present. It can really help to ask yourself what your ultimate goal is in this situation. Some women will just want to carry themselves with dignity and grace as they get by and move on to the best of their ability.

Others will decide that their main goal is to get their husband back home as quickly as possible. Often what will help with one of these goals will also help with the other. No matter what you decide you ultimately want, in my experience you’ll often have an easier time getting there if you focus on what’s right in front of you rather than how it happened. Yes, being caught off guard is very painful and shocking, but it can hurt rather than help the situation stop at this instead of taking action.

Evaluation of what will improve your situation the most: Once you’ve decided where you want to go from here, it’s important to step back and try to remove the emotion to come up with the strategy that’s most likely to get you what you want. It’s so easy to lash out, feel resentment, and feel sorry for yourself. But these things usually won’t get you any closer to what you want. In fact, allowing your feelings to control your actions will often keep you from getting what you want.

Debating with your husband, arguing with him, or lashing out at him will often drive him further apart and only make you more upset with your situation. Generally, it’s best, at least in my experience and observation, to try as best you can to limit yourself to actions that empower you and allow you to feel in control rather than giving in to those feelings or actions that are natural (and can ease your pain). a little tension) but that will only make the situation worse.

Usually when you can rise above this a bit and drive yourself hard and calm, you will often start to gain some ground. I absolutely know this can be difficult. Sometimes you may have to wait to interact with your husband until you can really relax. This may not be possible at first. But it can really help to always keep your end goal in mind so you don’t lose control of your strategy.

Interacting with your husband during this difficult situation: It’s probably fair to say that there will come a time when you need to communicate with your husband about where your marriage is headed from now on. Fair or not, her husband has sent a clear message by leaving. Now, it’s up to you how she’s going to respond to that message. But before you do, define how you want this to ultimately turn out. If you could put aside the shock, pain, and fear, what is your greatest wish right now? The answer to this question is what you should pay attention to.

Because I would say that no matter what your end goal is, you will usually get closer to him if you try to interact with him in a positive way. Even if you are eventually going to end the marriage, this was an important relationship in your life and it will likely help you move forward if you can keep this as positive as possible. If you want to save the marriage, improving your relationship and your communications in the future will go a long way in helping you save your marriage.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling your husband that although you are devastated that he would leave you without warning, you would like to interact with him in a positive way in the future. Since the two of you were once the most important people in each other’s lives (and may still be), it just doesn’t make sense to let a negative action turn into something even worse. He may not be as receptive to this at first, but when he sees that you are not reacting as he expected and that you are working with him instead of against him, you can sometimes slowly rebuild yourself over time. This is often true even if you’re not 100% sure how you want to approach him right now.