Many people focus on the first date. what to wear where to go What to talk about.
Big mistake.
From this issue came the Three Date Plan: a battle plan to determine your ideal partner in just three dates.
Warning: the Three Date Plan is not for everyone. If you don’t know what you’re looking for, or where you want to end up, I don’t recommend it. But if you’re ready to get serious, know what you want, and are sick of the hookup and heartbreak cycle, keep reading.
THE FIRST DATE – Questions and answers
The goal:
Get to know each other. Hard.
Startup:
I must dissuade you from seeing a movie, a show or going to a party. You don’t want distractions or an outside source of entertainment. They need to face it and see if they have what it takes to interact for a focused period of time. A Starbucks does wonders. Or a bar before the crowds arrive.
So pick the spot and do it somewhere between the two of you. Then set a time limit and make other plans for later. This way there will be no awkward “when does this end?” business. I recommend between 1.5 and 3 hours for The First Date.
What should you do:
The first date is like a job interview: a chance to control the human sitting across from you. Here they will sit, face each other and talk. Nerve destruction? Sure. But totally necessary.
Go through your date’s online profile beforehand and then come up with questions. Was there anything they mentioned that intrigued you? I challenge you? Did it puzzle you? Let them talk about it. End the date with a big hug and (if you feel comfortable) a kiss on the cheek.
Once the appointment is over follow up within a day (nothing these 3 days or wait for things to reply). And while texting is convenient, we’re working in the real world here, so give us a call. Tell them you had a great time and that you would love to see them again.
What you must not do:
People love to talk about themselves. For this reason, I challenge you not to say a word about yourself unless your date asks you to. If your date ends and the guy or girl didn’t ask anything about you, consider the three-date plan at the end. You want someone who really wants to hear from you.
THE SECOND DATE – The real world
The goal:
See how your date interacts in larger groups.
Startup:
Your second date must take place at a public event. If you like bar hopping, invite them out with your friends (and let them know they can bring their friends). Concerts, museums, movies, and game nights are all fair game, too, as long as friends are there, too.
What you should do:
Know your constant beforehand, alone. You don’t want to flank them with your friends without warning. Tell your friends your date is coming up, but don’t ask them to put on kid gloves. In the long run, your date will have to coexist with them.
During the night, stay with your firmness. If you’re comfortable with physical contact, try it out and see how they react. Take this opportunity to observe them closely. Are you comfortable with your friends? Are they legitimately contributing to the evening and having a good time?
At the end of the night, leave when your date leaves. Tell them that you had a great time in a quieter place, and then give them a kiss on the mouth. Save your tongue for this once only and say good night.
What you must not do:
DO NOT flirt with anyone else. They’re not significant people yet, but there’s a certain level of respect here. Also, refrain from talking about exes or recent hookups.
Conversely, if your date does either of these two things, be careful. It signals a self-esteem problem or a bragging complex. You don’t want to get competitive and you don’t need jealousy so soon. You’ll have plenty of time to go over your past later, but on the first two dates, consider it off limits.
THE THIRD DATE – Take it out in the open
The goal:
Show your cards.
Startup:
If you’re still talking, still making plans, then you might be ready to take the next step: invite them over to your home. But you also have to trust your instinct. If you feel you’re not far enough along, lather, rinse, and repeat dates one and two a few times. Over the course of the encore, they will get to know each other better.
Finally, when you feel comfortable, start The Third Date.
What you should do:
Have activities prepared. Whether it’s a DVD, a few hours playing video games, shows recorded on DVR on your TV, you name it. If you have things in common (and you do, if you got to this point!) it won’t be too hard to choose activities.
Now, with little more than your roommates (assuming they’re there, or you have any) to interrupt, now is the time to have meaningful conversations. Do not withhold anything. Ask more questions, really dig in.
Nothing should be off limits. Because if this goes well, and if you’ve made it this far, the chances of success are higher than ever.
At this point I let you act on instinct. Of the last two dates, has it proven to be what you are looking for? If so, move forward boldly. If not, feel free to end your journey here, reconnect, and start from scratch.
What you must not do:
Do not stop! If there is something your partner should know about you, reveal it. To establish a serious relationship with real compatibility, you cannot start by lying, or hiding parts of your past or personality. It’s all about finding true chemistry, not forcing a situation and you want a relationship based on honest chemistry not sham.
Don’t feel like you HAVE to continue this. If something feels off, it’s probably for a good reason. Unless you want to swallow forever a problem with his personality, his past, his body, whatever, now is the time to get out. Tell them you’ve had a great time, but you don’t think anything can come of it in the long run.
Finally, don’t fight them if they decide this isn’t right for them. You are not here to convince them that you are right for them. Remember that you are motivated, not desperate.
A FINAL DISCLAIMER
Humans are strange and random creatures. We are all different, so they will behave, react and think differently. The Three Date Process does not guarantee success with anyone. Don’t expect it to. What this process guarantees is much less wasted time and (when successfully completed) a better chance for real chemistry. Anyone who doesn’t stick with you is not compatible with you. If you can’t stand your date half way through, then these are not for you.
Dating someone is not about accepting what you can get. It’s about hardening your shell, removing the snowflakes that aren’t for you, and finding your true balance.
It’s hard. It’s bloody. It’s exhausting work. But, if you’re really ready to be stable, then you’re already willing to push yourself, face heartbreak and challenges, and come out on top.