Frankly, some wives are surprised to find that they still have a marriage after their husband’s affair. Many assume that the moment they learn of any infidelity, they are out of wedlock. But oh so often, it just isn’t that simple. Sometimes the husband just doesn’t bow gracefully. Or perhaps it is difficult to look at your children and consider that you left their father without at least thinking about saving the marriage. You may tell yourself that you will be leaving in the next few days. And yet it never does.

Whatever the reason, many wives remain married after the affair. I need to be clear here. I understand staying. I did it myself. And I’m not here to judge it. But sometimes when you stay, you are still disappointed. You find yourself in a troubled marriage, full of resentments and disappointments, and you wonder if this will be your destiny for the rest of your days. Or maybe you think you only need to disconnect your marriage if this is all you have to wait for.

Someone might explain, “Honestly, I don’t even acknowledge my marriage today. I’m not happy with it. Not at all. It’s like an older people’s marriage, where the couple secretly argue and hate each other. It’s the kind of marriage I swore never to. I would have. Everything went to hell after my husband’s adventure. In fact, I packed my things, carried the children and stayed with my sister for a while. But the children were crying and missing my home, my husband was calling every night and begging me to come home, and my job wasn’t that supportive of all the free time. So I reluctantly went back, but told my husband it might just be temporary. He told me he’d take whatever he wanted We went to counseling, but I didn’t care about the counselor. I started to fear going. So we finally stopped. Now I have a marriage that is barely holding on. My eggshell rides around me because I’m so mad all the time. We never have fun . Our s children are shy about everything. Not happy with this marriage. But I’m not sure I’d be happier if I got divorced. “

I hear many people express the same sentiment. You are not alone. And you don’t feel anything that isn’t understandable. I am going to make a suggestion and I hope you will listen to me. Many times, I considered ending the day when it came to my marriage. I even took a break for a while. But now I can say that I am glad I stayed, but only because I was serious about the marriage that I ultimately wanted.

People think I’m crazy when I say that a marriage crisis can be an opportunity. I’m not saying it feels very good at the moment. But I’m saying it gives you a chance to rebuild and throw away what never worked and keep what worked. It gives you the opportunity to learn new skills, get rid of those habits that are destructive, and adopt new ones that are good.

It is one of those rare occasions when you have the opportunity to ask, or even demand, what you want. You may feel like you have to settle for less, but I don’t think this is necessarily true. I know it’s frustrating when you do the right thing, get advice or try to talk about it, and then you get frustrated by the process. I tried a few counselors and self-help until I found a few things that suited me. It’s fine. Not everything will work out all the time. Some things will fit and some will not. Allow yourself to stop what doesn’t work and embrace and lean on what does.

There is no right or wrong path for everyone. But, I suggest that before you decide to throw in the husband’s towel, where you know he may be just as unhappy, you try counseling or other resources one more time and be honest with yourself about what’s not working for you. Since you describe it as walking on eggshells, you can be highly motivated to do whatever it takes to make things better.