I recently heard from a wife who had noticed a change in her attitude and worldview after learning of her husband’s affair. She said she had always been a “glass half full” type of person, but since her husband had cheated on her, she noted that he had a much more pessimistic view of the world and human nature.

She said, in part: “I used to have a very optimistic attitude and was a trustworthy person. But I never saw my husband’s adventure coming. I later found out that some of our friends knew about his cheating, but they never told me. .or intervened. As a result, I am suspicious of everyone and constantly think that bad things are going to happen to me. In fact, we are working on our marriage and making some progress, but I guess this does not work enough to reassure me because I am always full of doubts and anxiety. For example, if I see my husband talking to another woman, I wonder if he is saying something suggestive. I wonder if it is his fault to talk. A pleasant family outing, instead of enjoying it and assimilating it, I wonder if we will all be together next year. I hate that this is happening to me. I want to be happy and I want my positive attitude to come back, but I can’t seem to stop all these invasive negative thoughts. What can I do? “

These concerns are extremely common. When something as devastating as infidelity happens in your life, it is normal to have some doubts about your intuition, your judgments and your confidence. In turn, the anxieties that arise as a result can cloud the way you view the world and can turn your previously optimistic outlook into one of pessimism. This is not a reflection of you. It is completely understandable. And it is very important that you can recognize this. So in the next article, I will discuss some tips to get rid of the negative perspective and learn to think more positively after the cheat or adventure.

Acknowledging your negative thinking after your husband cheats on you or has an affair is very important, but it’s only the first step: Obviously, the woman mentioned above not only noticed his negative thought, but also wanted to change it. This is vitally important. Most of us know women who become very bitter after their husband cheats on them or has an affair and they never really recover. As a result, all the relationships they have are affected. They never learn to trust again and are never as happy as they could be because they just can’t, or don’t want to, let it go.

To avoid becoming one of these women, you must not only acknowledge any negative thoughts you may have, but you must also challenge or deflect them. Because it is a very painful existence if your thoughts only consist of negativity that constantly depresses you or makes you live under a dark cloud. This takes the joy out of your life. And you don’t deserve it. So, make a commitment to not only acknowledge these thoughts, but to address them as well. I’ll talk about how to do it right now.

Learn to immediately challenge or question your negative thoughts and anxieties as they happen: The most important thing you can do is learn not only to notice negative thoughts when they arise, but to challenge or question them right away. For example, women who wrote to me often had doubts about their husband’s love and commitment to her. He often had thoughts like, “Who are you kidding? You know he’s going to cheat again.” Or “you know he will eventually leave you.”

I suggested that he challenge these thoughts when they arise. She might respond with a thought like “if that’s true, why is he in our house right now?” Or “if he didn’t want to be with me, he wouldn’t have come home and still wouldn’t be there.” He also had many destructive thoughts about his family. Sometimes they were on a family outing and she was paralyzed by fear that within a year, she and her husband would divorce and their family would separate. I suggested that when he had these thoughts he challenge them with something like: “Today I am going to enjoy myself with my family. My children will always have two parents who love them very much and I will do everything in my power to ensure that we stay together. Beyond that. I’m not going to worry because I know that I can handle whatever comes my way and that I will always put the welfare of my children first. “

Do you see a theme here? You take the thoughts and invest them with calm and confidence in yourself. You have to build yourself up and know that you are a confident, capable and extraordinary woman. Over time, you learn that you will handle whatever comes your way and you are committed to solving it and making sure your life unfolds as it should, because you have conducted yourself with integrity and intention.

Surround yourself with whatever (and whoever) that makes you feel peace, confidence and tranquility: I know the phrase “misery loves company” is a cliché, but it is not uncommon to approach friends or acquaintances who are familiar with our own struggles. In other words, we are more likely to communicate with friends who have dealt with an affair or cheated in their own marriage. And I have to tell you that sometimes this turns out to be a good thing that supports you, but many times it is not.

It is not always a good idea to surround yourself with people whose marriages did not work out after an affair or who have not yet recovered. This is just the kind of booster that you don’t need and can’t afford right now. Instead, look for people who survived the adventure and came out stronger on the other side. Listen to those who encourage and strengthen you rather than those who depress you.

This applies as much to things and activities as it does to people. It is very important that you focus on the things that give you comfort and confidence. Do whatever it takes to build yourself up and banish those things that bring you down. Make an effort every day to feel good about yourself. The more you surround yourself with positive people and things, the more likely your thoughts and attitude will reflect this. And when you have challenging thoughts or days, then you will have this positive environment that will build you up and help you recover.