I don’t remember much about my parents living together when I was a kid, but I do remember the day my father left. He left such an impression on me and my heart that I can still smell the rocky asphalt of the driveway in our apartment complex as I watched his car drive away from me. It’s the kind of scene you see in a movie and it breaks your heart. Dad is leaving, Mom is grieving and daughter screams. Yes, that was the day that I realized that this world is unfair, disappointing, and painful. Some may realize that much later in life, but for me, I was only five years old.

I got to know Jesus at the tender age of 6. My neighbors came up to me and invited me to church. I remember learning about God’s love for me and how much I wanted to be my Father. I had a void inside and I reached out and grabbed my Eternal Father, who I knew would never leave me! That is the second childhood memory that left the biggest impression on me. I remember sitting across an old rug in my Sunday school class that smelled like hot rubber. I will not forget how I felt that day!

I don’t come from a deep spiritual lineage. I come from your classic dysfunctional, alcoholic, divorced and mentally ill family line. I was the first on both sides of my family to commit to following Christ. A year later, my mom started going to church and soon came to Christ. Soon after, she met my stepfather who was a Christian, and at the age of 7, I was lovingly placed in a loving Christian home. I grew up in an amazing Bay Area Bible teaching church called Peninsula Bible Church. I sat under the great teachings of Ray Stedman. My stepfather worked in the church and we lived a modest life in Cupertino, California with my two brothers. While I can honestly say that I grew up in the church, I also grew up in the world when my dad lived a life contrary to my mom and stepfather’s lifestyle. He had the unique perspective of living in both worlds. My father continued to be a strong and loving influence in my life, but our value systems were very different. I was raised with hymns and Eagles, which says a lot about who I am today.

They gave me so much in terms of my faith: an amazing church and the teaching of God’s Word, mentors, youth camps, 9 trips to Mexicali, endless trips to Mount Hermon, Young Life camps and ministry opportunities at my church, etc. If you look at my spiritual resume, you might be impressed. I was known in my church and my identity back then was in my Christian experiences and what I did for God and not what God wanted to do through me. I felt comfortable in my faith and for many years things remained in the status quo. That was until I married my husband and we walked away from everything he had ever known.

Twelve years ago Robb and I decided to move to Folsom, California. I think of Genesis 12: 1 when the Lord said to Abram, “Leave your country, your people and your father’s house and go to the land that I will show you.” In many ways, my movement was very much like Abrams. My problem the first year was that I told God where it would take me. I want this kind of house, go to that church, serve in this particular ministry, have my husband earn a certain amount of money, have so many children, find these kinds of girlfriends, and look a certain way. For many of us, we tell God that we will go where He wants us to go, but we are still in the driver’s seat. And in his great patience with us, he watches us take those detours, back roads, and dead ends until we get LOST.

After a year living in Folsom, I found myself LOST. We couldn’t find a church, no one was interested in my spiritual resume and what I had to offer their church, the women had enough girlfriends and seemed disinterested in me, my husband worked more hours than he had ever been in the Bay Area , money is not all that it seems to be, and we had three children under the age of three, yikes! In August 2000, I went to Portland for a Woman of Faith conference. I don’t remember much about that conference, except that I finally recognized that I was LOST and had no idea where I was and how I got there. Finally I handed the wheel to Jesus and said, “Where are we going now?” I’m done trying to navigate my life on my own. It’s unsatisfying, too comfortable, hectic, and I feel like I’m missing it. For the first time in a long time I felt excited about my life and venturing into the unknown.

God wasted no time giving me my first destination. The next day my husband came home and asked me if I would be willing to move to Bucharest, Romania. Wow, who plans that with his life? With much expectation and some fear, we once again left the comfort of our home and country to go to an unknown place. The experience of living in a third world country was one of the richest moments of my life. It also gave me greater confidence in my ability to trust God. Romania was not a means to an end, but the means to what would be the beginning of a changed course in my Journey of Faith. When we returned to Folsom, I began to accept decisions in my life that would take me out of what I could do for myself. mind, they would challenge me to become more dependent on God and live more dangerously. This thought was a new way of life.

My biggest weakness is pleasing people. The most daring step I have ever taken in my faith is to allow God to eliminate those areas of my life that keep me focused on what people think of me and not on how God sees me. If there is something that God wants us to live for, it is to please Him and not man. God allowed two things to happen to begin my journey of freedom. As much as I tried to reconnect to a church to serve, God would close the doors. He also did this with my heart. I found myself thinking, praying, ministering and reaching out to women and families who were not connected to a church or who did not know who Jesus Christ was and who were on the sidelines, or who were teetering between the world and the church. . They were everywhere: on my children’s soccer teams, at their schools, at Starbucks, at the gym … Women like me, raising their children, struggling in their marriages, dealing with body image issues, trapped in the materialism of their culture, struggling with the same old problems, feeling defeated, without the Woo Hoo of life, etc. The only difference was that I had Jesus Christ at the center of my life, going through all of this with me, and they had NO ONE! This broke my heart and continues to do so today. The second way God began to set me free was by making my faith public. Yes, I came out of the closet 8 years ago when I said yes to God to start a Bible study in my neighborhood with 18 women. The biggest risk I’ve ever taken in my life so far, but one that has also brought me the most spiritual growth and freedom. There is no going back to the status quo once you have experienced the blessings of being out of the driver’s seat!

World Vision has a plaque hanging from its headquarters that reads: “Have Hearts That Break Like Jesus.” Ninety percent of most communities in the United States are not connected to a local church. Folsom, like many cities, is poor in spirit. It is a city known for its prison thanks to Johnny Cash who put us on the map. Yes, there are men incarcerated, but as I drive through my city I see many more men, women and young people in their own prisons. The prophet Isaiah describes the ways the Spirit has changed my heart for those who do not have all that has been given to me. “The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and deliverance from darkness to the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and to provide for the afflicted in Zion, to give them a crown of beauty instead of ash, oil of joy instead of mourning and a robe of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of justice, a planting of the LORD to show his splendor. ” Isaiah 61: 1-3.

When I look back at my life, it doesn’t surprise me where God has me today. We live in a messy world. We are all products of sin. And the result of sin has caused much havoc, disappointment, regret, shame, and sadness for all of us. But God is in the full-time business of taking our lives, cleansing the masses, and using us for purposes greater than we could ever imagine. Whether it’s divorce, growing up with alcoholism, sexual abuse, addiction, lack of parental love and approval, death of loved ones, chronic pain, cancer, financial struggles, unreconciled relationships, seeking the world’s approval, materialism, etc. We are all lost and the question remains for all of us, when are we going to stop and ask the ONE who knows exactly where he wants to take us for directions?