Going through a breakup can be a very traumatic thing, especially if your ex has left you.

As feelings of anxiety, hopelessness, and despair overwhelm you, it’s often difficult to think rationally and do the right thing. If you’re like most people, you’re probably fighting an overwhelming urge to contact your ex right now in an effort to reconcile.

What you need to realize is that these impulses are driven by pure emotion. Deep down, you probably realize that picking on your ex will only make things worse, but you feel compelled to contact them anyway.

So what do you have to gain by talking to them? Not much, really. In fact, every time you give in and call or text, you’re giving them more power over you, and in the process, you’re losing your self-respect. Have you ever noticed how bad you feel after contacting your ex, especially if he shuts you down completely? He’s like a drug addict looking for one last fix and realizing he’s not as good as he thought he’d be; in fact, he is causing far more harm than good. Not a great feeling, that’s for sure.

So why can’t you talk to them?

Well, whether you realize it or not, you are playing a psychological game in which you have absolutely no hope of winning. Your ex will have such an advantage over you that there is no hope of coming out of this with your integrity intact, much less convincing your ex that the relationship is worth saving. They know it, and you know it.

At this point, your life can go in one of two directions. You can keep putting yourself down by contacting your ex (and slowly increasing his contempt for you), or you can get up and explore other options. Giving your ex some space and ending the bullying is a good start. Give them a break and do your thing for a while.

If you choose option one, prepare to lose whatever self-respect you have left. And if you think there’s any chance you can “speak” your way back into his life, you’re kidding yourself.

If you choose option two, you can be satisfied with the fact that you are doing the right thing. Almost immediately, you’ll notice a boost in your self-esteem and you won’t feel so helpless. Most likely, you will also notice that the psychological tables have turned and you now have a little more influence than before. If you do this right, your ex might even make a move and contact you.

Bottom line: If you ever want to have another shot at this relationship, option two is your only hope. There is no guarantee, but if there is a chance, this is the only way to go.