I often hear from wives who tell me that they would give anything for their husband to feel the pain their cheating has imposed on them. They often feel as if he really has no idea of ​​the pain they are in, or how they really feel.

I recently heard from a wife who said, “In the first few weeks after my husband’s affair, he seemed really sorry and empathetic with me. But after a couple of weeks, he seemed to lose his patience. It was almost as if they were trying to hinting to me that my time to cry was over. He said he couldn’t understand why I insisted on insisting on my pain. He wondered aloud why he didn’t seem to want to move on. What he seems to understand is that I want to move on, but it seems like I can’t. You have no idea what it’s like to wonder if your spouse still wants you or why you have to turn to someone else to get what you should get and want from your wife. You have no idea what it’s like to feel insecure about something It is not your fault. He does not know what it is to love and hate your spouse at the same time. Feel the same insecurity, pain and despair. Because I feel that if he knew how this feels, he could empathize with me more, be more I’m sorry s sincerely, and have more patience and sympathy. But the only way to do it is to fool him myself and then tell him about it. I could never ever do that. I don’t feel like cheating and I find that idea repulsive. So how can I make him understand how this feels and encourage him to feel my pain? “

These are valid but difficult questions. For obvious reasons, I would never recommend someone cheat to get back at their spouse or show their spouse what cheating feels like. I have never seen this work well, although I have seen a lot of people try this strategy. This often creates many more problems than it solves. I think there are better ways to make your husband feel empathy and remorse. I will discuss them below.

Although your husband should know that you will never cheat on him, there is nothing wrong with creating a little mystery: At the end of the day, what you really want (at least in part) is for your husband to understand how lucky he is to have you. He would like me to know that while he was stupid enough not to see its value, there are plenty of other men who might see it differently, if given the chance. You want him to know that you are attractive to other people and that if he is not faithful to you, then you are more than capable of finding someone who is.

There are ways to achieve this instead of cheating. Make any necessary changes to your appearance that will make you feel as confident as possible. Date people who make you feel good about yourself. To go out with your friends. Get out there. You don’t want to paint yourself as a woman who can only stay home and suffer. As unfair as it may be, this can make you seem less attractive. But you will likely look more attractive (no cheating) when you get up and carry on to the best of your ability. And if you really don’t mean it, make sure it looks convincing, at least for your benefit.

In a sense, this keeps you guessing a bit and keeps you on your toes. If you’re not sure what tomorrow holds, you don’t have to pretend to your advantage. Let him know what you will need from him to begin to regain confidence. It doesn’t always have to be so easy for him and so difficult for you.

I’m not saying you want to play constantly. I think it should be clear that two mistakes do not do good and that you do not intend to cheat. But there is nothing wrong with making him wonder from time to time. Because sometimes, if you can, he will be more committed to getting things done with you and regaining your confidence.

Knowing that he will not fool you again: To be honest, one of the most persuasive reasons wives want their husbands to know what it feels like to be cheated on is because they expect him to feel so guilty that he will never cheat again. The real hope is that all of this will make you faithful forever because you will see that the price of your pain is too high.

But by taking this strategy, you are only covering one facet of the pitfalls. And to have the best chance that he won’t cheat again, you need to cover all of this. You need to understand what characteristic of him contributed to the deception. You need to understand what made your marriage vulnerable. And you must learn to recognize the signs in order to put the necessary protections in place.

It is not as easy as making him feel insecure and regretful so that he will resist next time. You want him to understand every aspect of the process so that he not only resists, but understands why the temptation exists. And you want your marriage to feel so secure and fulfilling that he can come to you with little problems before they become big problems. Simply making him understand how you feel or forcing him to feel your pain will often not be enough, as men and women experience things (especially feelings) very differently.