I recently heard from a wife who was devastated that her husband was pushing for a separation. He had told her that he intended to move out next weekend, and she was preparing for a terrible day. And her husband had just dropped another devastating news. He told her that he felt they should see other people during the separation. Their reasoning behind this was that doing so would allow them to see if they were missing something by being married. And, he reasoned, if they knew each other and were attracted to someone else, this would tell them that the marriage wasn’t worth saving anyway.
The wife disagreed with this reasoning. He felt that dating other people was practically a guarantee that the marriage would end. In fact, she suspected that her husband was only trying to facilitate her divorce. After all, once they started seeing other people, how likely was it that they were going to work on the marriage? She said, in part: “I am devastated that he wants to see other people. We are going to separate, not divorce. Dating other people is not something you should do while you are still married. If he really thinks there is a possibility that we could save our marriage, so why does he want to date other people? I’m floored by this. I tried to reason with him, but he won’t listen to me. Is there any way I can make him change his? My friends say I should dating other people to make him jealous, but I don’t want to do that. What are my options? “
This is a very difficult situation. The husband had made it clear that he was really not willing to talk more about this because it was already decided. And I have seen marriages that were saved even after a separation in which the spouses dated each other. But the wife was right to be reluctant because it also involves a great deal of risk. However, in the following article, I’ll go over a few things that you might want to think about or try if you find yourself in this situation.
Before agreeing to go out with other people during the separation, try talking to your husband about other alternatives: It was quite clear that the husband did not want to negotiate on this, so I felt that the wife might want to approach this in a spirit of compromise. She might suggest that you first take a finite period of time where you are separated but faithful to each other as you try to work on your marriage. This would buy her some time in the hopes that she could save her marriage and get her husband back home before he started dating other people.
If this didn’t work, the other alternative would be to establish some guidelines on what is meant by “dating” with other people. What the wife did not want at all was for her husband to sleep with other women while they were separated but still married. So if she couldn’t change her mind, she could ask her to set the limit at that time. After all, if they were still married and he was being intimate with other women, it could be argued that this was adultery. However, the most important argument was that this was outside the wife’s comfort level.
I suggested that she be very direct and calm when having this conversation with him. She might say something like, “I heard what you’re saying, but I think if we’re dating other people, we’re really not giving our marriage our full attention or a real chance. There’s a reason we’re splitting up instead of The hope is that the separation will give us some guidance on what we want to do next. But seeing other people doesn’t help with this process. It just makes things more confusing and compromises our marriage. With other people is something in which I hate to even think about because I’m still very involved in our marriage. I was hoping that you were too. Can we agree that, at least for a while, we’re going to stop leaving the table to give our marriage a fair chance? “
What are your options if your husband insists on seeing other people while he is separated ?: Sometimes wives do or say everything in their power to make their husband change his mind about seeing other people, but nothing works. What happens then? What are your options? Well, the way I see it, you have a choice to make. You can tell your husband that seeing other people is a deal breaker for you and that he will never accept it. Or, you can pretend like a long time ago and see if you can really use this to your advantage. I’ve had women tell me that letting their husband think they’re seeing other people actually worked quite well for them. Of course, this has to be compelling and it should never take it too far or be inappropriate with it.
But it is my opinion that a little mystery can help their cause when they are apart. Of course, you don’t want to be outright dishonest or go overboard with this, but you can skip some details, be evasive, and see if this has any effect on him.
And, while I know you want to know all the details about her dates with other people, I think it’s best not to go overboard with that either. If he is determined to do this even though he knows you are against it, then clearly it is an issue on which he will not agree. So if you keep insisting, you almost give him more power than he already has.
At the end of the day, your real goal is to get your husband to focus on you and your marriage during the separation. To that end, you don’t want to include other people in the equation more than necessary. As best you can, try to refocus on yourself and him. If you have to use a little mystery to pique their curiosity and encourage their participation, I think that’s fine. But I think there is a difference between mystery and dishonesty. It should be clear that seeing others is not your first option. But since he made this decision, you will make the best of it because you know that you still have a lot to offer. And of course this is just a suggested strategy if you don’t agree to anything else.