Sometimes I hear of wives who are caught in a love triangle between their husband and someone else. Often they never suspected that they would find themselves in this position. But when the option is to allow your husband to walk away from you after all the time and effort you’ve put into your marriage, the lines you’ve drawn previously are sometimes not so clear cut now.
I recently heard from a wife who said, “Last year my husband developed a relationship with his assistant. He has known this woman for years and, to be honest, I have always liked her. Last year one of her children got sick and my husband did his best to support her as much as he could. This was the right thing to do, but unfortunately, as a result, their relationship turned romantic and an affair began. I found out about their relationship last month. My husband insists that I loves and doesn’t want a divorce, so I told her that she had to fire the other woman and cut off all contact with her, she didn’t hesitate to tell me she couldn’t do that. Not only would I never let her down when her son is sick, and she admitted that she has come to love her like a family and that depends so much on her. I told her if this is how she feels then she should let me go. but she won’t. She constantly sends me flowers and buys me gifts and begs me to come to dinner with him. He does not hide our relationship from the other woman. It has become a disaster. I don’t want to lose my husband. But I can’t participate in this love triangle forever. What is a wife supposed to do when her husband cannot choose between her and the other woman? Should you give him an ultimatum? Should you try to break them? What is the best course of action? I’m sorry that your life is so hard and that your son is sick, but I’m not ready to hand over my husband. “
This is a very difficult situation. It’s one thing if you hate the other woman or if she’s evil. Because then, it’s easy to want to banish her from your life and never look back. But when you meet her personally, have liked her, and know that she faces a difficult personal challenge, all of these things make the situation even worse.
Still, I have a definite opinion on how I think it is best to proceed in this situation. This opinion is based on my own experience and the experience of many who comment on my blog.
It really is best if your husband makes his own decision when choosing between the two of you: I must tell you that I dialogue with many women who have given their husband an ultimatum and then celebrated when their husband reluctantly chose them over the other woman. But what you often don’t think about is what happens after he comes home and the two of you try to pick up the marriage where you left off. Because sometimes things are not so easy then. Although the husband may have chosen the wife, sometimes he may still have feelings for the other woman. And the result is him dejected and pining for her. Needless to say, this can make your homecoming and marriage less happy because you will always know somewhere in your mind that you made a forced decision. As a result, you may not be fully involved in the marriage.
That is why it is preferable to allow him to make his own decision. I know I am asking a lot. I know this is a very scary thought. Because you worry that if you give your husband even a little space, the other woman will push him towards her and ultimately you will lose him. But to be honest, if she makes the mistake of pushing him, then she might be on the receiving end of the scenario I just described, which would not be the worst for you or your marriage.
A suggested script for when your husband can’t decide between you and the other woman: Since I already suggested that you allow your husband to make his own decision without you offering ultimatums or threats, I am now going to suggest a conversation that you may wish to have to draw a line in the sand. I think it is very unhealthy for you to be involved in a love triangle. It is degrading and laughs at wedding vows. So a suggested conversation might go something like: “It’s clear that you are having a hard time choosing between her and me. And I am not going to increase your burden by giving you an ultimatum or launching an attack. I am disappointed that we are in this situation. And I cannot respect myself. and keep living this way, but I know you need time. So I’m going to take some time for myself while you decide what you want to do. Make a decision, let me know. But I can’t participate in our relationship when there is someone else in it. I want to save our marriage. But we can’t do that while she’s still around. So when and if you decide that our marriage is your priority, you know where to find me. “
Many wives tell me that this strategy feels risky. I know it does. But with this strategy you are maintaining your self-esteem and you are allowing her to make mistakes. She will likely push him where you have wandered off and he will look more negative in comparison. Either way, this is the only true way to know how you really feel, so that once you make a decision, you know that you did not unduly influence it and are more likely to believe that it is correct. And if he chose you, you will know that he did so willingly and that he is truly committed to your marriage. Plus, because you’ve stepped out of the equation, if he really loves you, he’ll be motivated to make a quick decision.